Changing My Way Of Thinking

Most of you (including myself) would identify me as a Type A personality. I like to be in control, as organized as I can be, follow routines, keep schedules, etc. Even when I'm extending myself to something creative such as decorating one of the kids birthday cakes or painting a mural on the kids bedroom wall, I'm pretty analytical......some might call it overly anal-retentive. I suffer from being a"PERFECTIONIST". I'm not sure where it started but certainly it's been here as long as I can remember. The thought of getting anything less than an A in high school or college was devastating! Anybody else out there like that!?! Look at my life. Nash and I met in high school when we were 15. We were smart and had plans...plans together, yes, but understood the importance of doing things "right". We finished high school, went to East Carolina for College, applied and were accepted into OT school, graduated, married, got jobs, saved money, and then started a family. My point is....I've always planned and felt in control. Sure we've had a few little bumps along the way but for the most part, felt as if I (we) was planning my way. In control. So, if you've been following my story at all, you can imagine how the progression of my medical complications impacted my ability to be in control. For example, when my superior canal dehiscense symptoms progressed, I was convinced that if I found the right doctor, the problem could be fixed and I could move on with my life. I did find the right doctor. I thought I had this all under control. I scheduled surgery quickly (b/c my symptoms were getting so bad), and yet still felt I had enough recovery time to have Ella's 6th birthday celebration (with 10 other little 5/6 year old girls) two weeks later, a continued celebration to see CATS at the Aronoff 3 weeks later, and to be on the ski slopes in Big Sky, Montana 6 weeks later to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. Why not??? This was only supposed to be a 2 week recovery! I'm a planner! I'm in control! And yet,....I missed it all....I missed it all! Each week I'd lay there in the hospital and say to my family, "Don't count me out just yet. or, Don't cancel the trip just yet....maybe I can make it....maybe I can make it." But I had little to no control! There is not doubt, this forced me to change my way of thinking. I can't even begin to tell you how many things have been out of my control and that I've just had to accept.

I think my old way of thinking was what I felt defined me as a person. I think I felt that if unable to do all of the things that I set out to do in my professional life as well as my roles as a wife, mother, friend, coach, etc., then maybe I wasn't good enough or somehow less of a person. I think I spent a lot of time wanting to give to others and yet strive to maintain what I needed too. I can honestly say I used every hour of the day! It's that perfectionism that was at the forefront of my personality. Now, I will tell you without a doubt that I was a very happy person. I carried that weight well. I loved my life. But, through all of this, especially when I returned home....I couldn't be that person. I couldn't just fit back into the roles I once created. In fact, I watched as other people were having to carry that weight. People were cooking for us, driving me or the kids places, cleaning my house, taking on the burdens of my work, etc. How do you expect a perfectionist to calmly "stand down" or somehow "fit in" to a life that if even only for the short term, does not allow them to take on their normal roles? How do you teach a perfectionist and "caregiver" to think only of themselves for now? I have to say, in the hospital it was much easier b/c I didn't have anything else to do but focus on me. I was removed from my life. Yet, at home, my life was moving around me. Believe it or not, on several occasions I was beginning to feel "guilty" and "frustrated". I had to do a lot of soul searching.

My ultimate goal had always been to get back to baseline. To base each week on my "rate of progress" and use that as my measure as to when that was going to occur. (Such a Type A way of thinking right???) To be that person that I was before all of this happened. But, I'm realizing now that this goal is likely unattainable. Because, I'm never going to be the person I was before this happened. As my bruises have nearly faded, my breathing becomes less labored, I look more and more like myself, and even when I walk independently again, I will never be that person I was. I mean this in a very positive way. Each day I am learning even more about myself. The changes my body has gone through and what I've had to endure has taught me a lot. Today's post is all about control. And, I've learned that I have to let some of that control go. I found myself getting so frustrated and angry when I couldn't get my body to do what I wanted it and even "willed it" to do. It was bringing me down....something not of my nature. I've had to learn to accept each day and each step at a time. When you're out with me, you may even find me laughing at some of the things I cannot control. In this now second week home, I've come to the understanding that at some point, I was going to have to fit back into this life that is mine even if I wasn't back to "baseline". And to be okay with whatever amount of time it takes because some things are just not within my level of control.

Now...the fighter in me is just as strong. I continue to make huge strides in my walking. I've even graduated to a "Mall Walker" per my therapists. Which by the way turned out to be a success both from a physical standpoint and "shopping" standpoint! Let's hope the weather warms up soon for some outdoor walking or I'm going to get into trouble!HAHA! I got into a heated pool for the first time which was GREAT therapy. I've also trialed and will be fitted Monday for a special brace for my left knee to provide more stability and prevent my knee from hyperextending when I walk. When I trialed this brace, it was the first time that walking has felt nearly normal! My lungs continue to challenge me however, my endurance is improving. I am noticing infrequent but stabbing pain in sections of my lungs on an almost daily basis which I expect is the clots slowly breaking down (something the Dr's prepared me for). It's annoying but tolerable. All in all, I'm looking ahead. I'm transitioning into my roles at home and am preparing to head back to work on the 16th of March if all continues to go well. I am thankful every week for the improvements that I see and just ask that you continue to remain prayerful. I have my next spinal MRI on the 22nd and neurosurgery follow-up the 26th. I am very hopeful the tumor is unchanged and will be of no worry to me in the very near future. I am getting better!

Have a wonderful weekend! Much love to you all!
Kelly

P.S. If you're keeping track....The card count went over 150 today!